Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief. …
—Heb. 13:17
4218 Most Laymen Go To Pastor For Help
When people had personal problems, only 28 percent went to professional counselors or clinics; 29 percent consulted their family physician, and 42 percent sought help from a clergyman. These were some of the findings of a survey made in the late fifties by the Joint Commission on Mental Illness and Health. Although the figures are now out-of-date, it still is accurate to conclude that pastors are called upon to do much of the counselling that is done in this country.
4219 Praying For Pastor: A Thousand Strong
Dr. J. Wilbur Chapman in his first pastorate in Philadelphia was visited by a layman who frankly said to him: “You are not a strong preacher. In the usual order of things you will fail here, but a little group of laymen have agreed to gather every Sunday morning and pray for you.” Dr. Chapman added: “I saw that group grow to one thousand men gathered weekly to pray for this preacher.” Of course, he had great success. Almost any pastor would succeed if a group of leaders would thus back him up.
—The Presbyterian
4220 Nearest Heaven
Pastor Storer, forty years in the Baptist pastorate, says: “The nearest a preacher ever gets to heaven before he dies is the first three months of a new pastorate.” How sadly true.
4221 Five Ways To Get Rid Of Pastor
1. Sit up front, smile, and say “Amen” every time he says something good. He will preach himself to death.
2. Pat him on the back and tell him what good work he is doing in the church and community. He will work himself to death.
3. Increase your offering to the church. He will suffer from shock.
4. Tell him you’ve decided to join the visitation group and help win souls for the Lord. He will probably suffer a heart attack.
5. Get the whole church to band together and pray for him. He will get so efficient that some other church will hear about him and give him a call. That will take him off your hands.
—Selected
4222 What Qualities Do Laymen Want?
What qualities are American and Canadian church people looking for in their young ministers?
To find the answers, the Association of Theological Schools in the United States and Canada sponsored a three-year research project costing more than $500,000, financed mostly by Lilly Endowment and carried out by the Youth Research Center of Minneapolis. More than 5,000 persons in forty-seven denominations were surveyed after research among 3,200 others established criteria and categories.
The results show that humility (willingness to serve without regard for acclaim), honesty (personal integrity, the ability to honor commitments by carrying out promises without compromise) and Christian example are the most sought-after qualities. Special pastoral skills rank fourth.
Traits criticized most: catering to self-serving motives while avoiding intimacy and repelling people with a critical, demanding, and insensitive attitude; indulging in illicit sex and other actions that irritate, shock, or offend; and insensitivity when buffeted by the demands and pressures of the job.
The analysis will help in preparing seminarians for the ministry, says project director David Schuller.
—Christianity Today
4223 Reversing The Questions
Some time ago a religious journal ran a series of intriguing articles under the general title, “If I Were a Minister.”
Every article was written by a layman whose privilege it was to “sit under” a particular preacher Sunday by Sunday. Ministers were told firmly, yet kindly, all sorts of useful things—how to preach, how to pray in public, how to visit the sick, how to counsel the perplexed, how to work happily with all sorts of people, how to look after the young and the middle-aged and the old, how to deal with the strong-willed and with the tender-hearted members of the flock, how to manage the cranks who come along, and so on.
They were urged to be tactful without being insincere, to be patient without being slack, to be interesting without being sensational, to be up-to-date without being disloyal to the historic faith. Altogether the articles were a compendium of first-rate advice to which all preachers might well give earnest heed.
I have since been on the lookout for a complementary series—this time by ministers—entitled, “If I Were a Church Member.”
—John Pitts
4224 Bones In The Church
A southern preacher divided his church members into five types of bones.
1. Wishbones—Folks always wishing for better things, but never willing to work and pray for them.
2. Jawbones—The gossiping kind that keep the church in turmoil.
3. Funnybones—like the bone in the elbow that throws a person into a tizzy when it is hurt. They are touchy, wear their feelings on their sleeves, and are always talking about leaving the church.
4. Drybones—Orthodox but dead as fossils.
5. Backbones—The spiritual support of the church that keeps the body standing.
4225 The “Tator” Family
The “Tator” family has a reputation for joining as many churches as possible. The following description will help you to recognize them if they start attending your church.
Dick Tator—
He’s the daddy, self-appointed leader of the church, heads all committees, feels very important. He just dictates, never works.
Emmy Tator—
She’s the mother, never has any thoughts of her own. She just imitates. always seconds someone else’s motion. She is active in all phases of church life, imitating her closest friends.
Hezy Tator—
He’s the oldest son, and goes to college. When he’s asked to do something, he just hesitates. He feels he isn’t qualified for any job. Also, he is too busy with other things to work for the Lord.
Carmen Tator—
Carmen is the daughter. She sits in the back row of Sunday school, church and training time, commenting on everything and everybody.
Speck Tator—
He’s in high school. When asked to participate in programs or socials, Speck says no. He says he just spectates.
Agi Tator—
This is the oldest member of the Tator family. She’s been a Christian for forty years, she claims. She doesn’t believe that a church should make any changes, like adding or subtracting a hymn from the morning service. She agitates people; keeps things stirred up.
Sweet Tator—
This is the only cordial and cooperative member of the Tator family. She is an ideal church member, for she takes part in and supports the whole church program, is generous with time and talents, and never dictates, hesitates, commentates or agitates.
—Pastor’s Manual
4226 He Was Most Unpopular In Town
“This village is the most ungodly I have ever known,” said the Rev. Paul Smythe, 57, Vicar of Hornigsea in England’s Fen district. He had just come from his sixteenth-century church where not a single member of his congregation had turned up for morning worship. The vicar, who has been there 18 years, said that he had unsuccessfully applied to the Bishop of Ely for a transfer, and added: “Each time I try to climb out of the Fenland mud someone kicks me back in again.”
He complained that he was the most unpopular person in the village (population about 400). His parishioners retort that Mr. Smythe shows little interest in them, has so far raised only $280 toward a $25,000 repair bill. and spends all his time in the university library of nearby Cambridge. “What else can I do?” asks the vicar.
4227 Amen Or Hallelujah
A few days before the annual District Synod of the Methodist Church in the Barbados and Trinidad District, British West Indies, was due to meet, a particularly well-attended Prayer Meeting was held in the local Methodist Church. It was my privilege to preside over this meeting.
Fervent prayers were offered for the work of the Synod and especially for its important task in the stationing of ministers.
One good woman who had a reputation for her power in prayer addressed to the Lord a few general observations on the duties and responsibilities of the Synod, and continued: “Lord, thou knowest that thy servant, our Minister who now stands before us, is to attend the Synod. Perhaps the Synod will want to station him in some other circuit. If it be thy will, Lord, to leave him right here amongst us we shall say “AMEN”. But if it be thy will to send him somewhere else we shall say, “HALLELUJAH”.”
—Ernest Griffin
4228 A Thoughtful Layman
I feel sorry for the preacher
In some little towns;
If he’s not a shining angel,
All the gossips run him down.
If he stays at home to study,
He should go to see the sick.
If he goes to a convention,
Why, he doesn’t work a lick.
If he visits ailing ladies,
He’s a gadabout and flirt;
If he dares to go a-fishing,
His good name’s forever hurt.
If he’s boosting for the young folks,
He’s too modern—he’s a clown;
He won’t preach old-fashioned sermons,
Fit for such as Grandpa Brown.
If he caters to the old folks,
All the young ones stay away;
And they never ask God’s blessings
On him when they kneel to pray.
And an unbelieving farmer
Ridicules his soft, white hands,
Hands that welcome weary sinners,
And then teach them God’s commands.
Yes, I sympathize with preachers,
For they’re human as can be,
And I know they can’t be perfect,
For they make mistakes like me.
—Selected
4229 Babe Ruth’s Pastor
Said Babe Ruth, world-famed baseball player, about an aged minister, “Most of the people who have really counted in my life were not famous. Nobody ever heard of them, except those who knew and loved them. I knew an old minister once. His hair was white. His face shone. I have written my name on thousands of base balls in my life. The old minister wrote his name on just a few simple hearts. How I envy him. He was not trying to please himself. Fame never came to him. I am listed as a famous home-runner, yet beside that obscure minister, who was so good and so wise, I never got to first base!”
—Al Bryant
4230 “Those Perfect Gentlemen”
Ian Maclaren (Dr. John Watson) author of Beside the Bonnie Brier Bush, in his first church in the Highlands, attempting to preach without notes, would sometimes have to stop in the midst of his sermon and say to the congregation, “Friends, that is not very clear. It was clear in my study on Saturday, but now I will begin again.”
After a service when his memory had failed him a gaunt, old elder came forward and, taking him by the hand, said: “When you are not remembering your sermon, just give out a psalm, and we will be singing that while you are taking a rest; for we all are loving you and praying for you.”
With such elders and such parishioners, who would not have become a great preacher and a great master of the deep things of the heart? That first Highland church made Ian Maclaren. Years afterwards he said: “I am in the ministry today because of the tenderness and charity of those country folk, those perfect gentlemen and Christians.”
—C. E. Macartney
4231 Who Is Pastor’s Pastor?
Like most church members, I have called my pastor when there was need, and he has never failed me. But who is his pastor? Who rushes to his side when the load is heavier than he can bear alone.
Is there not something within all of us which cries out for human sympathy and understanding? Is my pastor an exception merely because he is my pastor?
The Saviour, on earth, turned aside to talk with the Father and spent long hours with Him who meets His servants in the secret places, and who never forsakes them. But our Lord also needed John and Peter and James and the others.
I have made a resolution which, by God’s help, I will not break. I am determined that my pastor shall know that I love him, that he shall not lack the sympathetic understanding which I can give. As a member of my church I shall, in some way, be a shepherd’s friend. I cannot but believe that there are many others like me who will day by day, stand at the side of the man who has no pastor.
—Western Recorder
4232 “Just Suppose, Mr. Businessman”
“Nearly every businessman complains of at least one ulcer. Think how many ulcers the poor businessman would have if he worked under the same circumstances as the average minister.
“Just suppose, Mr. Businessman, that you were the overseer of 100 workers.
“Suppose only about 50 percent of them ever showed up for work at a given time and only 25 percent could be relied upon.
“Suppose that every time a simple flash of lightning appeared in the sky, large numbers of young workers pulled the covers over their heads and failed to report for duty.
“Suppose your workers only worked when they felt like it and yet you must be very sweet and never fire one of them. To get them back to work you must beg them, plead with them, pat them on the back, and use every means under the sun to persuade them without offending them.
“And suppose you were in competition with a notorious rascal, the devil, who had no scrupples and is far more clever than you are and uses such attractive things as fishing rods, guns, soft pillows, televisions and a thousand other things to attract your customers.
“How many ulcers would you have?”
—Footsteps of the Flock
4233 The Ladies’ Question
Six young ladies lingered a while after church and asked each other, “What can we do?” They decided to meet that afternoon for a little prayer meeting. There a beautiful idea was born.
The next day they went to their pastor and asked if they could have printed some calling cards with a picture of the church on them and an invitation to come and worship with them. Then they went out two and two, ringing all the doorbells in the community.
At a rooming house near the church, a man read the card and listened to their little speech, shook his head and answered, “You don’t want me, I’m a vaudeville actor. No Baptist church would welcome me.” After being assured he would be welcome, he finally promised to attend one time, just to prove that they were mistaken. He did attend, again and again and again. He finally gave his heart to Jesus and joined old Walnut Street Baptist Church in Louisville, Kentucky. Later he became pastor of a church in Boston, and it was through his ministry that Russell Conwell felt the call to preach. Conwell has led thousands to Christ and inspired other thousands to a closer walk with God.
—Selected
4234 Kelly’s Double Specialty
Dr. Howard Kelly was one of the founders of Johns Hopkins University and a world authority on gynecology. He was not satisfied to be only a layman. He became an expert in Greek and a serious student of the Bible and Theology.
4235 A “Plain” Layman
General Garfield, on taking up his residence at the White House as President of the United States, said to his pastor, “In my church relations I am plain and simple James A. Garfield.”
4236 Preferring The Upright Few
George Whitefield often declared that he would rather have a church with ten men in it right with God than one with 500 at whom the world laughs behind their backs.
—Current Anecdotes
4237 Who Are The Church?
The holiest moment of the church service is the moment when God’s people—strengthened by preaching and sacrament—go out of the church door into the world to be the church. We don’t go to church; we are the church.
—Canon Ernest Southcott
4238 Preaching Everyday
Lyman Beecher of Boston Church was once asked how he was able to accomplish so much in his church. He replied: “Oh, I preach Sundays, and four hundred of my church members preach every day.”
4239 Every Member A Minister
Lloyd John Ogilvie is the pastor of a dynamic church in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. But he insists that he is not the minister. In fact, the church has rewritten its constitution to make every member a minister. In the New Testament, of course, “minister” means simply “servant.” Members of Bethlehem’s First Presbyterian Church know that the job of their pastor is to encourage and enable them, the minister-members, to do the real work of the church—taking the life and joy of Christ into their jobs, their neighborhoods, their social relationships.
Dr. Ogilvie once told of a member who phoned him to say, “I have a free evening tonight. Anything I can do for you?” The pastor gave him the name and address of a family that needed the kind of help a committed Christian can give. The minister-member followed through for months until that whole family was amazingly helped by this layman’s witness.
4240 Improving The Preaching
Sunday the sermon was sluggish,
’Twas hard attention to keep.
The theme was faultily chosen,
It almost put me to sleep.
Monday was blue with sheer boredom;
Tuesday was carnal by choice.
Wednesday my conscience was wakened
By pleas from a still, small voice.
Prayer meeting left me uplifted,
Loyalty lingering long.
Thursday my heart was responding;
Friday His nudging was strong.
I came to thorough repentance
The following Saturday;
I yielded in full surrender
As all on the altar I lay.
Sunday the sermon was perfect,
Superb and quite at its peak;
Amazing how greatly that pastor
Improved in the space of one week!
—R. W. de Haan
4241 I. O. U. Or U. O. Me?
The minister of a small Detroit church believed some practical joker was joshing him when I. O. U.’s began to appear in the collection plate. One Sunday night, weeks later, the collection included an envelope containing bills equal to the total of the I. O. U.’s.
After that, the parson could hardly wait to see what amount the anonymous donor had promised. The range in contributions was from $5 to $15—apparently based on what the donor thought the sermon to be worth. And there came a Sunday when the collection plate brought a note reading, “U. O. Me $5.”
SOME PASTORAL HEARTACHES
4242 Have They Spit On You?
A minister was so harassed by members of his church, and so sharply criticized that he went to his bishop telling him it could no longer be endured, and he would resign. To his surprise the bishop said, “Do your people ever spit in your face?” “No, of course not,” he replied. “Do they ever smite you?” “No.” “Have they dressed you up, mocked, and befooled you?” “No,” he said. “Have they stripped and scourged you, crowned you with thorns—cruci—?” The minister interposed his reply, “No, God helping me, until they do, I’ll hold on.”
—Westminster Quarterly
4243 A Pastor Tears Up His Bible
This is a true story. A man who was foreman on a construction job was noted for his vulgarity and ungodly disposition among the men who worked for him.
A Christian man on the job was grieved to hear so much cursing and vile language. One day he got up enough courage to speak to his foreman on the matter. He received this story from the lips of the man:
“I was once the pastor of the First________Church in this city. Some trouble arose in the congregation of such magnitude that there seemed to be no solution. I was so distraught and provoked that I did not know what to do. One Sunday morning I walked up to the pulpit and literally tore my Bible into shreds and threw it piece by piece at the congregation. Then I walked out of the pulpit and out of the church, vowing never to enter again. That’s why I am so wicked today.”
—Gospel Herald
4244 Caused By Only One Person
As an old minister, five years in my first pastorate and forty-one in the second, I would pass on an encouraging hint to younger brethren:
I left my first pastorate scared away by criticism, afterwards to learn the noise had all been made by one man. One man in a church, community, or organization, may by loud and persistent effort create the impression that matters are all wrong and that everybody is demanding a remedy; which puts me in mind of the old story about the “frog farm.”
A farmer advertised a “frog farm” for sale, claiming that he had a pond that was thoroughly stocked with fine bullfrogs.
A prospective buyer appeared and was taken late one warm evening to the pond that he might hear the frogs. The “music” made so favorable an impression on the buyer that the sale was made.
Soon afterwards the purchaser proceeded to drain the pond in order to catch and market the frogs. To his surprise, when the water was drained out of the pond, he found that all the noise had been made by one old bullfrog.
—G. B. F. Hallock
4245 From Resign To Re-sign
I once heard John Robertson speak. He told us that a year before he had felt he must leave the ministry. He said, “I struggled all night in prayer with God about the matter, and about the time the eastern light began to stream in the windows, I said, O God, here is my commission; I resign. But God, in His infinite mercy, said to me, “My son, you need not resign your commission. I will re-sign your commission.” And ever since then I have been preaching under a re-signed commission.”
—Thomas T. Villiers
4246 A Pastor’s New Vision
Dr. Charles Blair, pastor of Calvary Temple, Denver, Colorado, said, “My first year as a pastor was a floundering experience. The turning point came when I read a book of sermons by Dr. Robert G. Lee, then pastor of Bellevue Baptist Church, Memphis, Tennessee. I went to Memphis to interview Dr. Lee. For a week I trailed him as he made sixty pastoral calls, and I said to him one day, “Dr. Lee, if I made that many calls, I might have a big church too.” He replied, “Well, why don’t you?”
“Then I wrote to Dr. Louis Evans, pastor of Hollywood Presbyterian Church, and later went to see him. He could spare me only twenty minutes, but they changed the course of my study life. “Son,” Dr. Evans said, “for every minute I preach I study an hour.” When I came back, Denver looked different to me.”
4247 On Understanding The Cause
If you’re a discouraged pastor, you’re in good company—the company of Luther, Calvin, Bonar, Morgan, and Spurgeon. In a sermon Spurgeon once said, “I am the subject of depressions of the spirit so fearful that I hope none of you ever get to such extremes of wretchedness as I went to.”
The causes of discouragement in the pastorate are many: failing to achieve a goal, failing to live up to personal convictions, being physically exhausted, being criticized by the congregation, dealing continually with the grim side of life, seeing others succeed where you do not, and satanic opposition, which may occur in conjunction with any of these other conditions.
Try to discover what is making you feel discouraged. Margaret Benton, writing on depression in an American Institute of Family Relations publication, says that discouragement and depression occur when “we cannot do what we want to do, cannot get what we want and need, feel guilty over something we have done or left undone, have lost someone we love, have gone from a situation where we were happy to one that seems to hold no promise, when we have been hurt by someone, when we feel inferior, unloved, lonely and as though we have nothing to offer others.”
Understanding the cause of depression permits one either to remove the cause or to change one’s attitude about the cause.
—Christianity Today
4248 A New Note In Preaching
Years ago, I was pastor of a church in North London, which is still dear to my heart. Stricken, smitten, and afflicted, I came to the very borderland of eternity; spent a day and a night there expecting to cross over. After I came back to life the first man I went to see was Joseph Parker of the City Temple who to me was always as tender as a mother.
I said to him: “I do not understand the experience through which I have passed. I cannot understand the suffering, the sorrow, the breaking of it.” He put his two hands on my shoulders and said, “My boy, never mind; your people will get the value; there will come another note into your preaching which you never could have found, if you had not suffered.”
I went back and said: “If that be so then thank God for all the breaking and all the pain.”
—G. Campbell Morgan
4249 Fully Accepted From Utterly Rejected
Dr. J. Gregory Mantle tells of a minister friend whose congregation always refused to accept his messages which were Biblically sound. The choir made things worse and he asked the choir to resign. The choir did and persuaded the congregation from taking part in singing on the following Sunday. This continued for many Sundays.
One day, sitting dejected on a park bench, the pastor saw a torn newspaper flapping on the ground. It had a message:
“No man is ever fully accepted
Until he has, first of all, been utterly rejected.”
He was comforted—he was rejected for Christ’s sake. The recognition of this fact was the beginning of a most fruitful ministry.
4250 Three Times A Week …
Dr. Storer, pastor of First Baptist Church of Tulsa, Okla., for over 20 years, said: “I’ll tell you a little secret. Three times a week (if I am in town), I go into our church and take a seat. In the midst of dim lights and muffled traffic sounds outside, I watched in my imagination the people coming to their seats.
“Some are as if God was to be congratulated that they came; some chatter and chew gum as if in the movies; others have an air of strangeness, as if they had not been in church for years. But the majority come as eager members of the household of faith, coming to the Father’s house.
“I see those grown gray since I first met them; many couples I married, and now their children are in baptismal class. Many have known the words, ’Let not your hearts be troubled, ’ and who called me ’pastor’ with a new understanding. There are those with good fortune and are grateful for it, those with hurts none ever knew; there is a man and wife whose home is hell, and the cause of it is sitting triumphantly a few pews away; and those who know sin and long to be set free—all I see as I sit there in the dim lights.
“And seeing, I cry out, ’Who is sufficient for these things? God be merciful to me a sinner, saved by grace. And leaving my seat, I find myself strangely free from the thorns in the flesh. His grace is indeed sufficient.”
4251 Sermon’s Influences Linger
When a local preacher died, his relatives found he had neatly tied up the messages he had delivered and placed a card on top of them with this inscription: “Where has the influence gone of all these sermons I have preached?” Underneath he had scribbled in large letters, “OVER.”
On the other side this answer was found: “Where are last year’s sunrays? They have gone into fruits and grain and vegetables to feed mankind. Where are last year’s raindrops? Forgotten by most people, of course, but they did their refreshing work, and their influence still abides.”
4252 A Forgotten Minister’s Influence
A century-and-a-half ago there died a humble minister in a small village in Leicestershire, England. He had never attended college and had no degrees. He was merely a faithful village minister. In his congregation was a young cobbler to whom he gave special attention, teaching him the Word of God. This young man was later to be renowned as William Carey, one of the greatest missionaries of modern times.
This same minister had a son, a boy whom he taught faithfully, and constantly encouraged. The boy’s character and powers were profoundly affected by his father’s life. That son was Robert Hall, the mightiest public orator of his day, whose sermons influenced the decisions of statesmen and whose character was as saintly as his preaching was phenomenal. It seemed that the village pastor accomplished little. There were no spectacular revivals, but his faithful witness and godly life had much to do with giving India its Carey and England its Robert Hall.
—Sunday School Times
4253 Old Pastor And Boy
One day an old minister in England walked into his churchyard and, sitting down on a tombstone, began to weep. He wept because his church officers had just notified him that he was getting old and that he ought to resign and let a younger man take his place. As he sat there disconsolate, he saw a boy, with sunshine in his face and joy in his heart, coming down the street beyond the cemetery fence.
The old preacher was fond of boys, and he called this boy to him and had him sit down beside him on the tombstone. There he forgot his sorrow as he talked with the boy about the meaning of life and told him about Christ and his salvation. Presently the boy left him and went on his happy way down the street. The old preacher went back to his manse and to his sorrow. Not long afterwards he was called to his eternal home.
If it is permitted the redeemed in the life to come to behold what transpires on earth, then this is what that old preacher has seen: He has seen that boy with whom he talked become a lay preacher, a teacher, and a cobbler. In his schoolroom and cobbler shop he has fashioned a large leather globe; and scholars in his class and customers who came in for their shoes have seen the face of the teacher-cobbler suffused with emotion as he pointed to land after land on that globe and said, “And these are pagan!” After a few years he saw that boy to whom he had talked in the cemetery become the pioneer missionary to India, who translated the Scriptures into the dialects of the East.
That boy was William G. Carey!
4254 Pastor’s Influence Seen After Death
In the church of Somerville, New Jersey, where I was afterwards pastor, John Vredenburgh preached for a great many years. He felt that his ministry was a failure, and others felt so, although he was a faithful minister preaching the Gospel all the time. He died, amid some discouragements, and went home to God; for no one ever doubted that John Vredenburgh was a good Christian minister.
A little while after his death there came a great awakening in Somerville, and one Sabbath two hundred souls stood up at the Christian altar espousing the cause of Christ, among them my own father and mother. And what was peculiar in regard to nearly all of those two hundred souls was that they dated their religious impressions from the ministry of John Vredenburgh.
—Talmage
4255 Cheered By A Word
Passing through the corridors of a great hospital, I saw sitting on a bench a minister whom I had known. He was a man well advanced in years, now broken in health, who for some time had given up his church, where he had been in unhappy disputes with members of his congregation. I turned to speak with him, expecting to hear from him some word of melancholy reminiscence or present gloom; but I received a pleasant surprise—
He told me that a woman going by had just turned to speak with him and had told him that long ago a word spoken by him in the pulpit had been the means of bringing her to Christ. He was happy in the knowledge that his shadow had once pointed the way to Jesus Christ.
—C. E. Macartney
4256 Loading The Wagon
It is said that a minister dreamed he was hitched to a covered wagon, and was laboriously, but slowly, pulling it along, until he reached a place in the road where the mud seemed to get deeper, and it was with much difficulty that he moved the wagon a few inches at a time.
He thought it rather peculiar, as the last time he looked back he thought he saw the entire congregation pushing. But the longer and harder he pulled, the more difficult it became to move the wagon.
Finally, almost exhausted, he went to the rear to examine the source of the trouble. All the church members had quit pushing. Not only had they quit pushing but they were sitting in the wagon and were criticizing the pastor for not pulling the church along faster.
Was it really a dream?
—Cumberland Presbyterian
4257 Your Pastor And Mine
If he is young, he lacks experience; if his hair is grey, he is too old; if he has five or six children, he has too many; if he has none, he is setting a bad example.
If his wife sings in the choir, she is being forward; if she does not, she is not interested in her husband’s work.
If he speaks from notes, he has canned sermons and is dry; if he is extemporaneous, he is not deep.
If he spends too much time in his study, he neglects his people; if he is visible, he is a gadabout.
If he is attentive to the poor, he is playing to the grandstand; if to the wealthy, he is trying to be an aristocrat.
If he suggests improvements for the church, he is a dictator; if he makes no suggestion, he is a figurehead.
If he uses too many illustrations, he neglects the Bible; if not enough, he is not clear.
If he condemns wrong, he is cranky; if he does not, he is a compromiser.
If he preaches the truth, he is offensive; if not, he is a hypocrite.
If he preaches an hour, he is windy; if less, he is lazy.
If he fails to please everybody, he is hurting the Church; if he does please everybody, he has no convictions.
If he preaches tithing, he is a moneygrabber; if he does not, he is failing to develop his people.
If he receives a large salary, he is mercenary; if a small salary, it proves he is not worth much.
If he preaches all the time, the people get tired of hearing one man; if he invites guest preachers, he is shirking responsibility.
SO WHAT! They say the preacher has an easy time.
4258 The Title “Parson”
There was a time, about three generations ago, when the minister was known as the parson. Parson, in those days, was not a nickname but an honorific title, and it meant the Person. More often than not the parson was the best-educated man in the community and he ranked with the physician, the pedagogue, and the lawyer in eminence. But our time has seen a complete switch in this situation. The minister is no longer a parson. The advent of a highly-educated public has put the minister close to the bottom of the listings of educated persons. We are no longer parsons, now we are “good Joes”.
—Floyd Doud Shafer
4259 “Preach Us A Sermon”
Preach us a sermon, Preacher,
But don’t preach very long;
Just tell the story of Christ’s love,
But don’t condemn the wrong.
Say not a thing of doctrines false,
Lest others be offended.
Then they’d turn away from us,
And call us narrow-minded.
Preach us a sermon, Preacher,
But don’t preach very plain;
Let others guess at what you mean;
Don’t ever call a name;
We’ll sing your praises loud and long,
And keep you many a day,
But make it clear, and you will hear,
“Brother, be on your way.”
Preach us a sermon, Preacher,
But say nothing of our sins;
Let us keep on like we have done;
And perhaps we’ll make amends.
Please let us dance, and gamble, too,
And go to every show.
Make secure and very pure;
We’re human, don’t you know?
Preach us a sermon, Preacher,
But say nothing of our duty.
Tell us all about God’s grace,
And picture heaven’s beauty.
Leave out the things that we must do,
We’re busy making money;
We haven’t time, can’t spare the tenth,
Won’t be there Sunday, nor give a dime.
Preach us a sermon, Preacher,
When I have time to die.
Tell all the folks about
My home beyond the sky.
Preach us a sermon, Preacher,
Preach me into heaven;
That’s my only way to get to stay
Where Christ’s reward is given.
—Selected
4260 Chain Letter With New Twist
A Lutheran newsletter has some tongue-in-cheek suggestions for church members unhappy with their pastor:
“Simply send a copy of this letter to six other churches who are tired of their ministers. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list.
“Add your name to the bottom of the list. In one week you will receive 16,436 ministers, and one of them should be a dandy.
“Have faith in this letter. One man broke the chain and got his old minister back.”
4261 Church Without A Pastor
Rev. Hill when preaching wore a gown; for that we would not stand. Rev. Humphrey made us sore with sackcoat and four-in-hand. Rev. Jones was brought to book for being too reserved and cold; Rev. Gilmore got the hook because his manners were too bold. Rev. Sharp’s stay here was brief—our ladies called his wife too dressy. Rev. Brown soon came to grief: his wife, our ladies said, looked messy.
Rev. Spears we thought a lime because he was so slow and lazy; and Rev. Howe spent so much time in exercise, we dubbed him crazy. Rev. Spalding wouldn’t do—we by-byed, too—his sermons had no end or source. From all I can gather now, Rev. Gibbs before next season will have to make his farewell bow—provided we can find a reason.
—Anonymous
4262 The Perfect Pastor
After hundreds of years, a model preacher has been found to suit everyone. He preaches exactly 20 minutes and then sits down. He condemns sin, but never hurts anyone’s feelings.
He works from 8 a. m. to 10 p. m. in every type of work from preaching to custodial service. He gives $60 a week to the church. He also stands ready to contribute to every good work that comes along.
He is 26-years-old and has been preaching for 30 years. He is tall and short, thin, heavyset, and handsome. He has one brown eye and one blue, hair parted down the middle, left side dark and straight, the right brown and wavy.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and spends all his time with older folks. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.
He makes 15 calls a day on church members, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is never out of his office.
—Christian Beacon
4263 Epigram On Pastor (Heartaches)
• The church elders in the little New Hampshire town had voted to keep their minister in spite of his radical tendencies. A visitor to the village, knowing their extremely narrow beliefs, commended one of the elders for having taken such a broad view.
“Broad view, nonsense!” retorted the elder. “We all know the dominie has dangerous ideas, but we’d rather have him here.” The elder winked a shrewd eye. “If he wasn’t here, he’d be somewhere else. There people might listen to him.”
—Coronet